Tag Archives: advice

What’s Wrong With My Social Circle?

So, according to Paul Brunson, when we get older “our social circles begin to shrink and the dating process becomes more challenging.” This makes a  lot of sense, but I am only nearing twenty-five, so what the heck is wrong with my social circle?! Although I play a lot of roles, I meet very few new people, especially not new guys. This is sad, but I don’t think I am the normal case, so I am going to take a moment to introspect and diagnose my own problem areas. Maybe this will be helpful to some of the other weirdoes out there like me (I doubt it).

  • Problem Area #1: Über-Coyness
    So, I’m so pressed to be coy that sometimes my slight diversion of the eye becomes an eye-roll and my grin is a snub. You won’t even get a hello unless you come up off one first.
  • Problem Area #2: Oh So Routine
    I go to the same places ALL THE TIME. And they are all in the same area. Granted, there is a nice pool to choose from in this area, but so far, no bites. But my desire to save gas and my irritability when I can’t find my way around prevent me from making any quick fixes to this one.
  • Problem Area #3: Not So Routine
    If I have been going to the same place for a while, and, all of a sudden, a guy who also frequents that place seems to be interested, I will avoid it altogether. Weird, right? But my nerves can’t handle the awkwardness of getting to know someone while I’m on my routine. A rare occurrence the other day might cure me from this one though (I really like that place and he was fine enough to endure the awkwardness).
  • Problem Area #4: I’M MUCH TOO COOL FOR THIS!
    Getting down those first three was such a dig, and truth be told, I think I’m too awesome to try to figure out what’s wrong with me. In fact, I really just thought it might be entertaining to share some of my own weird quirks; no real solution was ever intended. There is so much dating advice out there, but sometimes I am not convinced that it is really that deep. I marvel at how complicated we make this whole dating thing though…

Paul Brunson excerpt from Essence Magazine May 2012 issue.

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Romantic Comedies vs. Male Advice

I’m certain that there is nothing novel to the notion that romantic comedies are completely unrealistic, but after conversing with an uber-manly friend of mine and watching Something Borrowed in the same day, I realize what a complete set-up watching these films can be. I discovered what a complete set-up listening to my uber-manly friend can be, too. Here are a few of the contrasts I found between the two experiences.

"Something Borrowed"

  • How men pursue: According to my friend (and I have heard this before), when a man wants something, he pursues it. So, if a man isn’t chasing, more than likely he doesn’t want it. According the film, men can go years without ever addressing or pursuing their love. So, women should assume that even if he isn’t saying so or showing it, he could actually love you.
    My issue with this-If I were to believe the film, I could spend my life trying to read between the   lines without ever paying attention to what a guy is really saying (or not saying). Living like this would clearly be emotionally draining and overall disappointing. If I listen to my friend, then I should assume that every man knows exactly how to express himself and that every man is super simple to get.
  • How men handle emotions: Also according to my friend, I and other women approach getting to know someone with far too many emotions. Men don’t feel when dating; they just observe. According to the film, men are as emotionally unbalanced as women are, and one can expect to see any range of emotion at any time from men.
    My issue with this- By no means do I think that men are raging lunatics like we are, but I refuse to believe that there is not one ounce of emotion involved when a man is getting to know a woman. Men might get over things sooner, but there are emotions tied to wanting to get to know someone more or wanting to be around someone.
  • How men choose: And lastly, according to my friend, men make a choice about a woman based on how well she matches his needs and preferences. According to the film, men make choices completely contrary to their needs or preferences out of convenience.
    My issue with this- If I consider my friend’s point of view to be at all accurate, then I should assume that men know exactly what they want, apparently far better than women do. I am not so naive to take this point of view. However, the latter would make me feel hopeless. Consider: if a man does settle for you, it’s because you were his convenient mistake. I am not so cynical as to adhere to this point of view either.

So, let’s assume that these films were not created to imitate life, nor were they created to provide any pattern for realistic relationships. And let’s assume that although our male friends know a whole lot more about being a man than we do, they don’t know all there is to know about being human. But I marvel at how prone we are to make relationships like science.

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